Day 44 of 49: Ah Life!
Making peace with the agony as well as the ecstasy.
I found this my most challenging day to write about so far.
I’ve been grasping for inspiration.
There were times today I could feel an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. I was encountering waves of overwhelm and foreboding. I reminded myself to breathe and open up to the emotions knocking at the door.
In my experience, opening up to and allowing challenging emotions is easier said than done. I could sense my inclination to want to run away, hide and avoid them altogether.
Some strenuous dynamics surfaced today. I found myself thrashing about emotionally, mentally and spiritually, asking for guidance on handling a situation with a fellow life adventurer who I am connected with as a result of a number of life choices. I felt drained as if it was taking all my strength not to get pulled in to the drama of it all.
My ‘proclaimed’ detachment to the results of my crowdfunding appeal to assist me in registering for Marie Forleo’s B-School felt a distant memory, as I longed today for the opportunity to register and be part of the program this year.
I found myself wandering down a path of questioning why my video wasn’t worthy of a scholarship? Before I knew it, I was doubting my worth and abilities, and having a good go at the Universe for things in my world not matching an idea of what I imagined would make me happy.
A dear friend held space for me to vent, to work through and express the emotions coming through. I was grateful.
It seems a fine line sometimes between getting drawn into ‘to me’, ‘by me’ thinking instead of living from a place of ‘through me’.
‘You are at home in God, dreaming of exile’ ~ A Course in Miracles
My theme for tomorrow’s Mindfulness Gathering is connecting the dots. It appears I may be needing the topic most of all!
2008 J.K. Rowling Harvard Commencement Speech
It had been a while since I last listened to this address. I was most moved this time when J.K Rowling shared about her Amnesty International experiences in her early twenties.
‘Every day I saw more evidence about the evils human kind would inflict on their fellow humans to gain or maintain power….and yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before…’
I found myself moved to tears by the stories she shared.
18.18
While the evenings are still warm enough to eat outside, I’ve been taking advantage as often as possible! This evening was a little chilly but definitely manageable with a light jersey. I can tell it’s getting dark earlier, so I am squeezing in as many outside dinners as possible before Autumn rolls in!
I took my phone outside with me as I was expecting a call. At a point, I glanced over an saw the time display 18.18.
The Hebrew word for ‘alive*’ or ‘living’ is Chai and based in the system of gematria, where letters have assigned values, the numerical value of Chai is 18. (*My email address starts off ‘aliveloren’).
In light of my emotional rollercoaster of a day, this felt like a reassurance of what is it to be alive. The ups and downs of it all! The highs and lows, the agonies and ecstasies, the immense jubilations and devastating traumas, the debilitating lows and the remarkable transcendences. To allow these to move and flow through me is to be ‘alive’.
Thank you, Day 44!
